Fear

This post will be a little different than any I've ever done.  It won't be pretty photos of my home, my family or my pets.  So fair warning...

I want to start off by talking about my ordeal with Sepsis 4 years ago.  Going into septic shock, being in a medicated induced coma and on life support for 11 days definitely had an impact on me.   For 2 weeks, I became more ill.  I played it all off until week 2, finally going to the DR when I began running a fever and my body aching severely.  I didn't know if I had the flu or what.  2 days later, I was fighting for my life.  I was rushed to the hospital by ambulance with a grim outlook.  Sepsis has a death rate of 60%...that's A LOT!  So after going through all of that, being released from the hospital with barely any use of my left arm, having to go to rehab,  a fast heart rate and elevated blood pressure, I tend to listen to my body now.  Any warning signs, I get looked at ASAP.  That's only common sense to me now.  But it can definitely make you live in fear.  

What I didn't tell anyone besides close family members was that when I woke up and was waiting on them to remove the breathing tube, I could feel and see (but not really see) a word in white engraved letters on my forehead.  I had never seen this word nor heard of it.  After being home for a week or two, I was watching a Jewish teacher one night on TV.  He said a name that evoked that feeling as I lay in my bed awaiting them to take out the breathing tube.  I immediately asked my husband what that word was and meant.  When he told me, I began to weep.  That word was Yahweh.  Here is what it means:  

Yah·weh

 ˈyäˌwā,-ˌwe,-ˌvā/ 

noun

1. a form of the Hebrew name of God used in the Bible. The name came to be regarded by Jews ( circa 300 BC) as too sacred to be spoken, and the vowel sounds are uncertain.
2. 
   

I did nothing but read my Bible.  Watching TV felt strange to me, on the outside I was emotionless, it was hard for me to cry even though I felt that way inside.  I wanted to be outside at all times.  To me, that was the most peaceful place to be and the closest I felt to God.  My Mother sat with me and we had many talks about life and how God had blessed us with a second beginning.  Our relationship had been strained from past mistakes and it bordered on guilt and shame.  I had forgiven my Mom while in the hospital and when I came home, she stood on the stairs, crying and looking scared to even look at me.  That's when I told her I had forgiven her...that was the day we got to start over.  What a true blessing that had come from something so bad.  But that was only the beginning.   I lived in fear....fear of death.

Many years before any of this, my husband and I had been in the Church Ministry.  Dedicated and devoted were we!  But then, somehow, we became hurt, crushed and felt abandoned by others.  So we left our church and our pastor.  For 8 long years, we wandered.  On the path, off of the path...what a tormented time that all was.  But, never did I ever believe for once that God had given up on me.  I knew it was I that had strayed.  But I still lived in fear.

The months leading up to sepsis, I had a strong fear that something bad was going to happen.  I began talking to our oldest daughter, making her understand that If we died, what all she would have to do.  I made arrangements for both of our daughters to be taken care of if that happened.  I even wrote out a will of some sorts.  That's when I started to pray again, reading my Bible, talking to God.  I remember praying "please God, let me live to raise my daughters."  I just knew something was going to happen.  My family can vouch for me, always talking about death and making arrangements.  There was the fear...

MY Grandmother passed away after a weekend visit with her.  We sat up late the night before we were to leave and talked.  We always talked.  She told me she was ready and she had even given the girls little nick knacks because she wanted them to have them.  We got to say our goodbyes and didn't even know it.  Then my Aunt, who had helped take care of me during the sepsis ordeal, had a stroke.  She passed away about a year later. Those were dark days....with lots of fear.

Now fast forward through all of the health issues I've had in the last year and a half, all of the health issues our youngest has had, and my husband and other daughter.  Never in our history have we ever been through anything like this, ever!  Talk about fear...We have had money problems, marriage problems, but never health issues.  I believe that Satan was trying to kill me and my family but God had better plans.  For what reasons?  Just look around.   Just look at what all has happened with our world these past few months.  Christians are being persecuted, told that we are spreading hate and judging because of stating what the Bible says.  Our country is trying to wipe out the bad part of history.   Crazy weather is hitting all over the United States....I am 45 and have never saw what I am seeing today.    Inappropriate things are being taught and introduced in schools to grade school children.  My two daughters have a "whatever floats your boat" attitude that we have never taught them.  As long as it isn't hurting you, then it's ok.  They tolerate things without even blinking an eye, but then want to bash something so tiny to pieces.  "Gag at a gnat and swallow a camel" comes to mind.  Things we have never taught them nor have lived.  What is happening all around me?  I turn on the news and I want to crawl in a hole.  I try to be positive and find beauty, but there is hatred all around me.  People are being divided.  It definitely can make a person feel fear.

I have so many things to say, to show, to witness about.  Most importantly, my daughters souls are part of that.  I will fight the devil until I take my very last breath for my miracles God gave me.  And yes, they were even miracles.  Both of them have a story behind how they came into this world.  God has always been in my life ever since I can remember.  One of my earliest memories was sitting on Mammaw's bed, waiting for her to come to bed, telling the devil how he had really messed up.  How he had a great thing being in Heaven and how it messed it all up by wanting more.   Mammaw always told me that there was something special that I had to do.  She always thought it might be missionary work.  But that has never been in my thoughts, lol.

I will say this and sign off for now.  Please give your hearts to God if you haven't already.  Pray for this country.  Pray for lost souls.  And READ your Bibles.  Don't listen to men and their opinions, read for yourselves and let God show you right from wrong.  The Bible says to study to show yourselves approved.  We have a big test coming up and if we do not study, we are gong to flunk.  We won't be getting a bad mark on a piece of paper, we are facing an eternal mark.  Just think of this:  You know how when you are in an argument and plead your case with what you think are valid points?  How you can win someone over to your side with proof and facts?  The Holy Spirit is pleading with us, presenting facts plainly.  It is up to us to acknowledge them and make things right.  Our opinions will not stand before God.  I no longer live in fear.  God's name was written on my forehead. 

  

"I never knew you: depart from me, ye that 

work iniquity"...Don't let these words be the 

last

you ever hear from God.

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